Im Sorry

I am sorry that I disappeared. I have a good reason though. Long story short, my mother has cancer of the liver. I flew home a few weeks ago to be with her & my step-dad while we waited to hear if the tumor they found was cancer or not. It was. Unfortunately, where it is in the liver , they can not operate. It would kill her, within hours of operating. Now we are waiting to talk to an oncologist about chemo treatments, that is her only option & that might not even be worth it. Depending on which Dr you talk to, one says she has 1-3 yrs, another says MAYBE 2! I am sick to my stomach constantly, my mind is all over the place, I break down crying in the grocery store & sleep is hard to come by.I can NOT imagine how my mother is dealing with it all.

Frustrating part of it all, she hasn't been so sick to make you think something was wrong. It all came about only because she was itching all over her body & couldn't get rid of it. After a week it made her crazy enough to go to the hospital & even then, the Dr's only thought it was dry skin. She insisted that something else is going on as she was also a little jaundice ( the nurses thought she just returned from a sunny holiday!!)
Tests were run & she had ALOT of blood work taken & 4 procedures later (the same one twice because the first time the DR didnt look any further then the pancreas) and 3 misdiagnosis, and this is what we have. A cancer in the wrong spot.
We dont have a history of cancer in our family. We have diabetes, heart disease & thyriod issues but not cancer. My mother said she always expected her heart to kill her. Last year she was diagnosed with emphysema, that was a shock since she never smoke a day in her life. It was from the job she had for years & years working in the trucking industry, before they banned smoking in buildings. I asked her then to go get a second opinion but no, cancer does not run in our family, why would it be that?? Here we are, less then a year later & she has cancer. Makes you wonder if she did get a second opinion would they have found it sooner. But I tell myself, it doesn't matter cause it wouldn't be removed anyways. All kinds of things run threw your head. When they discoverd the tumor, before we knew the results I talked to my mom about what would be better. Dying with an illness over time or dying instantly. I had an aunt die from a brain aneurysm, she left work that night, drove down the street & drove into a ditch. She died instantly. I asked mom what she thought was better. Getting the chance to say your goodbyes to loved ones, getting a chance to do the things you never did & always wanted to or not even knowing it was going to happen?? I think for the family left behind, wanting the chance to say goodbye is everything but no one wants to see a loved one suffer either. Neither of us could decide. We don't get the choice to pick, which I guess is a good thing, cause who could choose??
I know Mom is dying but at least I can pick up the phone today & talk to her. My cousins didnt know the last time they talked to thier mom they wouldn't ever get the chance to tell her one last time.

I love you Mom!!